ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
ITHACA, NY-Upon returning to campus this week, freshmen were surprised to learn that this semester would also be cold. “Of course I had heard a lot about Ithaca’s infamous winters, but I figured the spring semester would be warmer,” said Francesca Napoli ’17, whose hometown of Millburn, New Jersey features four distinct seasons. “I typically…
In a story akin to classic Hans Christian Andersen folklore, Mayor Svante Myrick reportedly began his week by strolling nude throughout the streets of Ithaca. Myrick was promptly arrested for indecent exposure and disorderly conduct. “I just figured no one would be around over break. I thought everyone went home for vacation.” said Myrick. At…
ITHACA, NY- Earlier this week, Harvard Student Eldo Kim was apprehended for his attempt to defer a final exam by calling in a bomb threat to several campus buildings. Perhaps a silver lining to this reckless and selfish act lies in the comfort felt by thousands of Cornell Students, who could now confirm their intellectual…
ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,”…
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re…
All studying will officially be cancelled as of 1:45pm on Monday, according to an email sent out to the Cornell community from the Office of the Provost: “We understand that Study Week and Finals are very important. But the accumulation of almost 2 inches of snow has put an unbearable burden on our maintenance staff….
ITHACA- Due to the recent success of Cornell Store’s new eatery, Café Jennie, the building’s dining area will be expanded into an entire suburban-mall-style food court next semester. The installment will include a variety of worldly cuisine including a Panda Express, Arby’s, Cinnabon, Sbarro, and another Arby’s. “No one really ever came to the Cornell…
ITHACA, NY- Crossing between the statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D White, on a date with Tami Carr ’15 Saturday evening, Louis Owens 16’ was surprised to see the two statues stand up, stroll towards one another, and shake hands in the middle of the arts quad. “This is ridiculous” Owens reportedly stated with a…
