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OP-ED: I Finally Got Drunk Enough to Carry The Fwuffy Wuffy Skunk Back to My Dorm

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

I had just begun the godforsaken journey up Eddy street back toward North Campus, my arms slung over the shoulders of my marginally less drunk friends and my feet dragging uselessly behind, when I noticed what appeared to be a Club Penguin puffle waddling beside us in the brush. “Boys, boys,” I whispered, “You see…

Reunited Sophomore Not Telling Friends His Parents Say Hi

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…