MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Krispy Kreme is a more…
DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room. “It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living…
When you stepped onto campus for the very first time, probably the summer before your senior year of high school, and were lead bright-eyed throughout Cornell’s bucolic paths and hallowed halls on a prospective student tour, what cute little trivialities did your tour guide tell you? Was it good old Happy Dave, cheerfully smiling and…
EDDY STREET — At this year’s Parent’s Weekend, total Frat bro icon Ronald Hernandez ‘90 spent his days overshadowing his painfully less-cool son. “The brothers at his old house really seemed to like him,” said son Richie Hernandez ‘ 23. “They invited him back up in two weeks for their big fall party. And honestly,…
CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree. “ILR is all…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. “This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel…
KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. “I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when…
HO PLAZA—Local tour guide Erin Roland ‘21 couldn’t help but feel like she was being followed Friday morning after noticing a large group of parents and high school students pursuing her during a walk through campus. “I really don’t wanna look, but I swear multiple families from Long Island have been on my tail since…
