BENEATH THE LAW SCHOOL — The Overseers’ Council convened in a secret meeting chamber beneath the Law School to confirm that their project to tag all the students for an easier assimilation into the New World Order was a resounding success. Project leader and Illuminati member Denice Cassaro says, “The project went off almost without…
With Slope Day, Cornell’s end of Spring semester celebration and concert, coming on Thursday, it’s best to know what you’re getting into. CU Nooz is here to prepare you as best as possible for the day’s festivities. Tank tops are a Slope Day must, as they expose as much of your arms and shoulders as…
ITHACA- Max Harmon ’14 was both shocked and saddened Tuesday after learning that he had accomplished merely 9 things on the Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” “I could’ve sworn I’d done more,” pleaded the regretful human development major, lamenting never handing out quartercards on Ho Plaza (#85) or visiting the sex…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
ITHACA– Reports are surfacing that on Sunday morning, current freshman Eric Holt woke up to find himself sleeping on a couch in his dorm’s lounge rather than in his bed. Within a few seconds of waking up, Holt remembered why: he had been sexiled, or sexually exiled, by his pre-frosh guest, Jonny Dixon. The…
Cornell Dining announced earlier today that Okenshields greeter David Sepulveda, commonly known as “Happy Dave,” has elevated into a higher level of being. Having been happy for so long, he has developed an understanding of the universe incomprehensible to other humans. As a result, he has transformed into a creature of the higher dimensions. “Dave…
ITHACA, NY – In a cross-department study performed by sociology professor Howard Lipton and tenured biology researcher Dr. Mangold Biggins, the longstanding Cornell practice of making eye contact on Ho Plaza has been deemed a certain cause of death. According to Lipton and Biggins, the human body goes into immediate cardiac arrest when even a…
NORTH CAMPUS- Upon tasting an alcoholic beverage for the first time, freshman Adrian Simmons was dismayed to find the taste very unpleasant. “Ugh, it’s like medicine,” said the Mews resident and California native, grimacing after his first sip of Svedka brand cherry vodka. “Why would people drink this? Do you guys have any soda? Or…
