COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security deposit returns.” Citing excuses such…
Collegetown is one of the biggest perks of spending 4 years above Cayuga’s Waters, offering incredibly diverse culinary experiences. We sent a writer out to determine, once and for all, which eatery is the true champion of the hungry student. CTB: Absolute let down. I was so excited to try the place EVERYONE talks about,…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…
COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That blasted Wings Over Ithaca just…
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that…
EDDY STREET – In what is the most recent episode in a longstanding battle for Collegetown supremacy, several saké bombs were set off between popular Japanese eateries Plum Tree and Miyake. The bombing, which occurred in the late hours of Friday evening, claimed the sobrieties of dozens of unsuspecting frat brothers and their dates. “I…
COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it. “The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks…
COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough patch at the moment,” said…
COLLEGETOWN – Frustrated by the occupancy turnover rate at his Collegetown property, local landlord Henry Maier is now requiring a minimum five-year lease for all incoming renters. “At first I couldn’t figure out why tenants were so eager to move out,” Maier said of students living in his seven Collegetown properties. “Then I realized, they…
