Cornell University

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony,…

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Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing. “I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own…

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple. “When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help…

Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Krispy Kreme is a more…

Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. “I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when…

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“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

Nooz Staff7 years ago03 mins

HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle. “I mean, hey, times are tight around here……

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I think our mission will really…

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…

“It’s 6 O’clock Somewhere”: Upperclassman Begs to Not Pay Bus Fare

CTB Declares War on Qahwah House, Fires 300 Espresso Shots

Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long

“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges

Half-Assed Discussion Post Setting Dangerous Precedent For Rest of Semester

Local Jester Actually Prefers Fool’s Spring

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs

Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study