death – CU Nooz

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CTB Declares War on Qahwah House, Fires 300 Espresso Shots
9 minutes ago15 hours ago
Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long
21 hours ago21 hours ago
“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges
22 hours ago22 hours ago
Half-Assed Discussion Post Setting Dangerous Precedent For Rest of Semester
2 days ago2 days ago
Local Jester Actually Prefers Fool’s Spring
3 days ago3 days ago
Frolicking Squirrel Thinks It’s Funny You Bombed That Prelim
3 days ago3 days ago

OP-ED: I Am the Door Handle at 7-Eleven and I Will Kill You and Your Roommates

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…