death – CU Nooz

Headlines

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist
11 months ago
Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker
11 months ago11 months ago
Circle of Elders Regales Freshmen With Stories of the Before-Times When the Clocktower Was Free
11 months ago6 months ago
Girl Power! Group of Girlies Take Elevator Up to 7th Floor of Olin
11 months ago11 months ago
EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests
12 months ago12 months ago
“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room
12 months ago12 months ago

OP-ED: I Am the Door Handle at 7-Eleven and I Will Kill You and Your Roommates

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…