death – CU Nooz

Headlines

Despotic Senior Declines to Answer Whether They’ll Seek Third Term as Club President
1 week ago1 week ago
In Historic Show of Power, Student Assembly Votes to Politely Ask for More Power
1 week ago1 week ago
L-DOC? My Final Essay Fucking Sucks
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Construction Workers Declare Occupation Of Libe Slope As Clock Tower Fences Expand Into New Territory
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Rest of Sesame Street Crew Also Forced to Live in Trash Cans After PBS Defunding
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Nooz Explains: 15 Exciting Ways to Set Off the Fire Alarm at 2:30 in the Goddamn Morning
3 weeks ago3 weeks ago

OP-ED: I Am the Door Handle at 7-Eleven and I Will Kill You and Your Roommates

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…