death – CU Nooz

Headlines

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year
2 years ago2 years ago
Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food
2 years ago2 years ago
Overachievers? Couple in The Back of Hideaway Already Busy Making Double Legacies
3 years ago3 years ago
Qatar Campus To Celebrate ‘Limit of Expression’ Year
3 years ago5 months ago
OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying
3 years ago5 months ago
Freshman Patiently Waiting to Cross College Ave Gets Hit by Car Anyway
3 years ago5 months ago

OP-ED: I Am the Door Handle at 7-Eleven and I Will Kill You and Your Roommates

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago02 mins

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…