STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
DUFFIELD HALL – After swiping his ID card and anxiously staring the Mattin’s Café register, mechanical engineer Ben Hornstein ’19 was pleased to discover that he had scored slightly above a standard deviation of the mean BRB balance. “It’s such a relief to see all my work pay off,” commented Hornstein, excitedly clutching his Chipotle…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – With a humiliating final score against Dartmouth of 21-3 signifying their eighth loss of the season, the Cornell football team gleefully realized they were only two more losses away from filling out their Cornell Dining beverage punch card and receiving a free bubble tea from Jansens Market at the Noyes Community Center….
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
104WEST! — Panic erupted at Cornell’s Jewish dining hall on Wednesday, when several patrons discovered that a non-Jew had gained access to the premises. The goyish intruder, Sean O’Flynn ’16, made it past the first few tiers of security and was almost about to eat his lunch before the alarms went off. “A breach like…
COLLEGETOWN- Bubble tea specialty drink chain Kung Fu Tea recently opened a franchise at 143 Dryden Road in Collegetown in hopes of cashing in on the hoards of bubble tea fans on the south side of Dryden between College Avenue and Eddy Street. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve been craving bubble tea…
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
