HIGH RISE 5—Squirming in their seats as they sat cross-legged on the couch, forty-two uncomfortable freshmen received the “birds and the bees” talk from concerned Resident Advisor Carlie Solotoff on Monday afternoon. “You might notice some changes going on with your body, but just know that it’s totally normal,” Solotoff reassured the circle of uneasy…
CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
AG QUAD — Sneaking out of her room every night without waking up her roommate, Michaela Roth, ’20, has been traversing the path to return to the same Mann. “I’ve had so much work lately, and it’s just so comforting to be there with him. I mean in him. In Mann,” says Roth. The freshman…
GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed…
Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled about the SCOTUS decision that…
COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the…
ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. “At this point it’s almost…
ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends. “I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so”…
WESTCHESTER, NY — Reports indicate that after dropping you off at Cornell to begin a full year of college, your parents immediately took advantage of their now empty house by having sex in your absence. “Pretty much as soon as we walk in the door,” said your mom, when asked how long it would be until…
