1. For a fun time with friends, go apple picking at Cornell Orchards! 2. When you get to the Orchards, lose your friends in the trees. You won’t be needing them. 3. Find the man wearing a red coat. 4. Don’t ask him any questions. 5. The man will have an envelope. Take it from…
Listen, Cornell, these past eight years have been great. I mean, like, really great. But I just feel like we’re going in circles. Right now I’m looking for someone who can help me grow, and grow with me, someone like…oh, I don’t know, an official United States museum network. It’s the same thing every year,…
With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions: S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of…
ITHACA, NY — A desperate panic broke out across campus today when a strange orange-yellow disc appeared in the sky. The appearance was marked by a change in the sky as well, as it turned an odd blue color, upsetting students who had grown accustomed to its normal, grey-black color. Students sought support from one…
ITHACA, NY – In a recent press release, the Cornell Fitness department announced that all incoming freshman would be required to pass a synchronized swimming test as an added graduation requirement. The test will include a solo, trio and combo segment (consisting of eight to ten swimmers), and students will be judged on their grace,…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major, who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…
ITHACA, NY – Various sources from the Engineering Quad have noted that Jared Wasserman, a sophomore computer science major with a 1.7 GPA, prefers group projects over any other type of class evaluation, yet can’t put his finger on precisely why. “You know, I just am not sure what it is. It might be the flexibility…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…
