ITHACA, NY — According to an aggressively loud conversation, sources have confirmed that area freshman Adam Nelson has become the first individual to come up with five “drinking days” of the week. In an act of astounding wit and ingenuity, the natural resources major was loudly shouting, “Yo, let’s go! It’s Mixed-Drink Monday! let’s get…
ITHACA- Around 11:29 a.m. Monday, Mayor Svante Myrick stepped on a Lego brick and proceeded to scream “Fudge!” at the top of his lungs while cradling his foot. The incident occurred while the mayor was jumping from couch to couch in his office and waving a cardboard sword. The brick in question is thought to…
ITHACA, NY – Fifty fun-loving Cornell students took a break from classes last Thursday to hold a festive block party on East Avenue and Tower Road, likely in celebration of another successful year of studying. “We believe that shared governance at Cornell is extremely important,” stated one wacky partier, her eyes brimming with laughter. “Students…
ITHACA- As the semester nears an end, it has become apparent that April showers have brought more May showers to Ithaca. It had originally been predicted that the rain of the past month might have been leading up to May flowers, however it seems as though Ithaca will be experiencing more rain for the rest…
Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
