GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Admitting that it will probably happen in his bright future, Government major Conrad Davis ’17 is convinced that he could actually be a great president someday. “I know it’s a long shot, but I’d do a good job,” Davis said, his voice resonating with the leadership of a true patriot. “I’ve…
SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon. “I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD— Due to some technical difficulties within the lighting department, the University’s annual homecoming weekend celebrations were kicked off with a 30 minute display of a Windows screen saver. “I stepped away from my computer to grab a hot dog for what I thought would be no more than five minutes,” said laser show…
MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard. “I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading in chalk on the board….
A message from the Cornell Concert Commission We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are. We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that…
APPEL DINING HALL — Finishing up the best part of their balanced breakfast, hundreds of dining hall patrons this morning said their hearty bowls of Marshmallow Mateys were “marvelously scrumptious!” and that they were going goo-ga for Coco Roos. “Some people just don’t get why kids like the sweet flavor of Cinnamon Toasters,” said Arthur…
HO PLAZA — In a much anticipated announcement, the newest model of the popular iClicker series was revealed during the annual World Wide Notebook Conference at the Cornell Store. “The iClicker 7 series truly revolutionizes modern teaching through a myriad of cutting-edge advancements,” said Cornell Store Director Tim Carvell, waltzing across the stage sporting a…
ARTS QUAD — After being dumped on the Arts Quad and deemed as “close enough,” a large pile of much-needed seating for Klarman Hall almost made it to its destination this week. “We got really close,” said Facilities Manager James Alwin. “I mean, a few hundred more yards and we would’ve made it into Klarman…
Cornell Transportation Services has announced that ခြ will be the symbol for the newest parking restrictions on campus. “We felt that ခြ would be an excellent opportunity to provide more people the right to park on campus. If you see a parking zone with ခြ, it means you can park there between 2:00AM – 5:59AM…
JAMESON — After listening to his RA list off several prominent groups on campus that will organize tables at ClubFest this Sunday, freshman Geoff Kaplan expressed amazement at the incredible number of clubs that will spam his email for the next four years of his life. “I would have expected only three or four clubs…
