MEWS HALL – High school valedictorian, Phoebe Young ‘20, has decided she will considerately refrain from telling her new, less intelligent floormates that she graduated first in her class. “There’s no reason to make these brainless imbeciles feel dumber than they already do,” said Young of the Ivy League students she will live with for…
GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL — At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class. “Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye ’20, tapping his #2 pencil…
CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” said Dr. Ernst, “so I’ve…
NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections. “Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to…
BEEBE LAKE — During a time at which countless freshman often feel lost and homesick, many incoming California students felt comforted and right at home during the recent drought in Ithaca. “They say you never realize what you will miss most about home until it is too late,” Golden State student Jack Reynolds stated, “For…
MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom. “Now that I’m officially a college student,…
MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career. “Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said a fellow Mews resident from…
NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side. “Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just…
Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting…
CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at…
