This article was sponsored by Cornell Mock Trial, a student group that participates and competes nationally in Mock Trial tournaments simulating a fictional court case. ARTS QUAD — The Cornell Mock Trial team came under fire earlier this week for ambulance chasing, soliciting legal counsel to a student who tripped down the steps outside Goldwin…
I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to…
by Associate Dean of Students Charlotte Beaufort When the Black Students United group came forward with their demand to change the name of the Cornell Plantations, citing the racial undertones that ‘plantations’ conveyed, the Board of Trustees had a long discussion of what to do. We eventually decided that, yes, the name should and would…
COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure I’ll have screwed myself over…
Breathing a large sigh of relief, the Cornell community was glad to hear the Cornell Republicans’ votes will not count in the 2016 election after club endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. “It was touch and go for the past week, and we were sure this announcement was going to endorse Trump, but it’s so much…
Hey guys, you having a party here? Can I see some ID’s? Thank you. Everybody over 21 in here? Glad to hear it. We’ve been getting some noise complaints from this house, so I’m going to have to ask you to turn down the volume on the music. I’m not trying to be the bad…
RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again. “I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize…
COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money. “I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when…
MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life. “I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal…
DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen. “We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now…
