WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know? “We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior…
By Ezra Cornell Hey everybody, it’s me Ezra. Look, I realize I’ve been dead for a while now, and it’s not really my place to comment on the events happening in 2017, but I wanted to briefly return to explain something about my motto for the university. When I said “Any Person, Any Study,” I…
DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year. In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment really has to offer the…
COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it. “The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks…
Oh, what’s that? Did I go abroad? Oh yes, I studied abroad. Where was I? Well, my home base was Seville, but like, I traveled EVERY weekend. What was my favorite city? I mean, that’s such an unfair question. Deciding between strolling down the Champs-Élysées in Paris or taking in the Trevi Fountain in Rome…
OUTSIDE DAY HALL – After zipping up his jacket all the way to his chin, putting on a second pair of socks, and donning a fluffy winter hat, reports indicate that spring transfer Kyle Ortiz ’20 is already cold. “Brrr, it’s cold here! Certainly different from the University of Miami,” said Ortiz, seemingly unaware of…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
BARCELONA, SPAIN— Judging by her fun-looking travel updates on Facebook, after only a week of adjusting to a foreign country, study abroad student Maddy Jackson ’18 is excited to party in Spain exactly as she would in America. “The nightlife here is amazing, I went to a club with friends from Cornell and stayed until…
FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…
