WEST CAMPUS– In a move that will be celebrated by seven-year-olds everywhere, Cornell Dining has made an exciting new addition to the regular menu on West Campus- Chicken Fingers! Citing the mounting requests from students to diversify the menu, as well as complaints about the food being “too spicy” and “completely inedible”, the dining staff…
COLLEGETOWN— Recently, I noticed that Cornell was shutting down the Empathy, Assistance, and Referral Services Peer Counseling Program, on the basis that they could not afford the insurance. And I get it, because I too cannot afford health insurance. But please, I’m begging you, reinstate the peer counseling program, because if my friends come to…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Friday, sophomore Anya Eddy was forced to sleep outside after she forgot her phone in her room and was unable to complete the newly required two step log-in to enter her dorm, McFaddin Hall. “At first I was kind of annoyed,” Eddy recalled, “but after a few hours of screaming at the windows…
I am a simple man, really. Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify…
COLLEGETOWN– As Julian Herbert ‘24 was told to inhale nitrous oxide from a cylinder this Friday, he began feeling suspicious when it dawned on him that despite being called “Greek” life, nobody at the pledge event had even mentioned Greek mythology. The Classics major had excitedly signed his bid last week, eager to start talking…
WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma. “Look,…
WEST CAMPUS—After learning about the upcoming Wellness Days from his weekly parental phone call, Herbert Travis ‘23 was unimpressed by Cornell’s petty offering. “So like they’re just cancelling class… that’s it?” said Travis as he vegetated on his couch, rewatching The Office as his 3000-level math lecture played at 3x speed. “If people cared about…
COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering…
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in. It’s not…
COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has…
