NEW JERSEY — Thanksgiving holiday traditions are a warm way to kick off the season for families across the nation, and I personally cannot wait for this week’s festivities. From watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to watching some football between helpings, families everywhere have their own little traditions that bring them together and help…
JERICO, NY – You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the…
BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of…
OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what it was like to be…
NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky…
TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately. “Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Students stopping to use Willard Straight’s bathroom facilities Saturday confirmed that their routines were interrupted by speculation over the building’s antique condom dispensers, which could only be the last remnants of the building’s former 24/7 orgy. “Imagine… a time when noses weren’t the only orifice being pounded. A time when ‘business casual’ included…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
