URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26 sank to his knees and wept.
“What has my life become? I don’t remember a time before I was in this room watching my wretched paper claw its way from this machine,” cried Johnny. “I had a life before this: an apartment, a fridge full of food, a wife and kids, I think, though I can no longer recall their names. My roommates are sitting around our table right now, feasting on the glorious nectar of Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese, and yet here I remain imprisoned.”
When asked about the printing-based predicament facing her students, Johnny’s professor revealed the nature of the assignment. “I find that students are not creative enough in their writing these days; that’s why I require my students to include multiple-page-long full-color images with their work, in addition to making each word a different color,” explained Professor Andrews. “I don’t see why it would be a problem to ask them to print out their papers. My brand-new HP Color LaserJet Pro MPF Wireless All-in-One Color Laser Printer, Scanner, and Copier prints everything I need in like 8 seconds. I think the students are just lazy. I should have them print me an apology letter.”
As dawn broke and the printer finally arrived at the long-awaited page 11, students across campus reportedly heard a scream of agony ripple around campus.
“The end is nigh,” screamed Johnny. “Paper Jam.”
