CORNELL HEALTH—A proud newly accepted class of 15 lucky Cornell students have been selected to fill all available appointment slots this semester. Cornell Health released statistics about their incoming class:
“The average stab wound of an accepted patient came in at an impressive 12 inches long, most students filled out their forms in less than 30 seconds, and called to schedule appointments an average of 46 times. Accepted students had illnesses more severe than 99% of the Cornell population and received scores of 1570 and above on their Student Appointment Tests.”
Questions on the exam were not published, but according to Michelle Stein ‘26, included detailed questions about her desperation for an appointment and validity of her diseases. Upon explaining that she had strep, mono, COVID, scurvy, and a mysterious black substance in the back of her throat, Stein was reportedly asked, “Would you classify that as severe?”
Andy Todd ‘27 was denied an appointment and received a notification in his student health portal about his decision status. It included a detailed letter which he graciously shared through phlegmy coughs. The letter read, “Dear Mr. Todd, We had a pool of outstandingly ill applicants and are regretfully unable to offer you an appointment this semester. We wish you the best of luck in receiving future treatment for your afflictions.”
Cornell Health has published tips and tricks for prospective diseased students. They recommend applying early, seeking letters of recommendation from roommates and friends who can speak to the disturbing nature of your ailments, and a strong “Why Cornell Health?” supplement.
