ARTS QUAD—Following a weekend of Halloween festivities, Sean Kenneth ‘28 was found Monday sporting a short-sleeve shirt in 55°F weather and white Cayuga Medical Center ID bracelet.
“Oh, this?” he was reported to have said repeatedly throughout the day. “It’s a long story, actually it’s pretty crazy. But it’s nothing bro, like seriously don’t worry about it.”
Lingering symptoms of his visit appear to include uncontrollable bouts of martyred sighing, repeatedly adjusting a baseball cap with the right hand specifically, and crafting sentences that masterfully incorporate allusions to a cosmically unknowable yet vaguely alcohol-associated malady.
“Yeah, honestly the doctors said I was really lucky it wouldn’t leave any permanent scars,” Kenneth was heard assuring acquaintances. “It’s honestly crazy that people can’t even tell anything happened. Like people have been telling me all day it looks like nothing happened, which is honestly just crazy.”
When captive bystanders tentatively inquired about his story, Kenneth was valiantly forthcoming regarding the traumatic event.
“Sometimes going super hard all the time and constantly being the life of the party is a lot to handle,” he admitted in a courageous and illuminating statement. “Being the one everyone depends on for crazy shit is honestly a lot of pressure, but I really just can’t help it.”
Kenneth continues to deny allegations that he sprained his left toe against the lamppost outside CTB at 2:37 PM last Sunday.
