COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
ARTS QUAD—Following a weekend of Halloween festivities, Sean Kenneth ‘28 was found Monday sporting a short-sleeve shirt in 55°F weather and white Cayuga Medical Center ID bracelet. “Oh, this?” he was reported to have said repeatedly throughout the day. “It’s a long story, actually it’s pretty crazy. But it’s nothing bro, like seriously don’t worry…
URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.” Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The…
This week, the harsh and unforgiving winter has settled upon Cornell’s campus. Every morning, students venture out and endure these frigid winds with only the distant, waning memory of warmer days (last week) to comfort them. There is only one sanctuary for these brave souls: the primal familiarity of the warmth of a running sink….
LIBE SLOPE—In an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.” The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students. “You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza…
