GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims to end the United States’ participation in the global weather cycle.
“For too long has our great nation been burdened by the demands from our so-called ‘international allies’ to contribute to the global commerce of airs and liquids,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt in a statement issued by the White House. “This absurd arrangement does not reflect our country’s values or our contributions to the pursuit of economic and environmental objectives. Moreover, it redirects America’s noble winds and waters to countries that do not require, or merit, meteorological assistance.”
Although the policy details that may accompany this order remain somewhat foggy, the president has stated that warm air and water attempting to cross the nation’s borders without obeying “due legal process” will be turned away counterclockwise. Trump also suggested imposing tariffs on easterly trade winds.
One water droplet in the upwells off the California coast denounced the order. “Oh, yeah, they expect us to just run off, don’t they?” it bubbled angrily. “Well, I might’ve spent a while in the deep ocean, but this administration’s got me steaming mad; mad enough to evaporate. And if that doesn’t get them worried, they should take a look at how the rest of the water’s feeling. Once we’re up there, us little guys start to stick together— that’s condensation. If they can’t handle the water cycle, they’re REALLY not gonna like the water revolution.” Before anything could precipitate from these statements, the droplet was seized by the North Pacific gyre and dragged back to the open ocean, where it found itself distracted by a constant stream of current events.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, whose email list has been compromised by the Trump Administration’s changes to federal communication networks, could not be reached for comment.