WASHINGTON, D.C.—The first ten months of Trump’s second term have seen numerous slashes to purported “DEI” programs. Federal funding has been cut, companies have pared back or renamed their inclusivity efforts, and universities have had to scale down programs to keep federal support. Now, another American tradition is coming under the Trump administration’s scrutinized eye: Black Friday.
“70% off storewide? Sounds like a handout to me. No deals that good could happen by merit alone,” asserted Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, mysteriously found with three bags and a slushie outside of a Banana Republic.
Administration officials also lamented they worked right next to a National Mall, yet they weren’t seeing any bargains advertised. Therefore, they concluded, Black Friday clearly had an anti-conservative bias and must be investigated at once.
Other White House representatives questioned the need for Black Friday at all: “The idea of this being the best time to holiday shop for your loved ones is woke liberal indoctrination,” Vice President JD Vance told a reporter outside a Raymour and Flanagan. “Just don’t get them anything—it’s much more cost effective.”
Trump notified the public of his intention to come after Black Friday in a late-night Truth Social post. “CYBER MONDAY WAS ALWAYS BETTER ANYWAY,” it read in part. Sources close to the situation disclosed the administration was not actually planning on doing away with the holiday tradition, but instead aimed to rebrand it to “Trump Friday.”At press time, consumers reported they indeed felt Trump’s presence during their Black Friday shopping, with even discounted prices reminding them of his tariffs.
