DAY HALL—Amidst widespread scrutiny over his administration’s handling of the 2024 Chi Phi rape case, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff has expressed frustration about the limited reach of his preferred platform for damage control.
Sources within the administration—which has come under fire for assigning essays as a punishment for the accused rapists—say Kotlikoff was infuriated to discover the largest mailing list available to his computer comprised Cornell’s roughly 40,000 university students, faculty and staff, while the rest of the hundreds of millions of citizens of the United States remained virtually inaccessible.
“Our team’s really been thrown for a loop,” admitted Kyle Kimball, Vice President for University Relations. “Usually, Mike tries to scoop the scandal with a campus-wide email, but people all over the country already know the facts of this case—which sucks, because those are the parts we usually try to keep under wraps.”
Despite the inadequate scope of their favorite communications channel, university administrators remain hopeful that a cowardly, defensive, self-centered, victim-blaming PR strategy will still play well with an outraged national audience.
“I had my doubts about the ‘Not our fault, we tried our best, our critics are the real monsters’ messaging at first,” admitted Christina Liang, Director of the Office of Student Conduct and Community Standards. “But once the Board of Trustees completes an independent investigation and clears us of any wrongdoing, I’m sure the rest of the world will see things our way.”
In contrast with his colleagues’ optimism, the university president reflected morosely on his experience of unwanted media attention.
“Everywhere I go, there are eyes on me. I’m the target of anger and threats of violence from people I don’t even know. My voice has been taken away. Even at Cornell, I feel isolated and afraid. No one else could possibly understand. It’s utterly shameful that we live in a world where university presidents have to live in fear like this,” Kotlikoff concluded solemnly.
Photo by Ming DeMers / The Cornell Daily Sun
