TEHRAN, IRAN—In a public address following a wave of strikes from the United States and Israel, Iran’s newly appointed Supreme Leader announced that the Islamic Republic has no plans to develop a nuclear weapon. “After all, we have promised our sworn enemies never to create such a device, which could theoretically be used against them to great effect,” said the Ayatollah, who appeared to be emitting a luminous green haze.
“What little uranium we do possess will only be used for peaceful, civilian purposes,” continued the new Supreme Leader, known to the public as “Super-Ayatollah.” He then turned towards the sky and released what authorities characterized as a high-energy laser beam from his eyeballs, incinerating an Israeli fighter jet flying overhead.
United States officials first became aware of the enigmatic new head of state, believed to be a formerly mild-mannered scientist, after satellite images depicted a lone, muscular figure with an ethereal glow standing amongst the ruins of an Iranian nuclear facility.
FBI Director Kash Patel has launched an investigation to identify potential national security threats posed by Super-Ayatollah’s interim leadership. “Fortunately, we’ve been able to utilize existing research on the effects of radiation-induced mutations,” he said, “like the Hulk, or Spider-Man.”
The Trump administration has vowed to permanently dismantle Iran’s nuclear program, despite the supreme leader’s denial of its existence. “Such evil cannot be allowed to fester,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “Mark my words, we will bring this irradiated insurgent to justice!”
At press time, President Trump was reportedly considering the development of an American opponent to Super-Ayatollah by unleashing a radioactive bioweapon on Minneapolis.
