HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week.
“I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe students would be more knowledgeable about correlation if they studied properly for their stats prelim.”
Students disagree, with one victim reporting that he “literally stuck out his tongue, which shouldn’t even be possible considering his physiology.” Cornellius also took significant offense to being questioned over his credentials to speak on academic commitments.
“I may reside at Cornell now, but not many are aware that I was actually born in Ithaca College,” he claimed. “I made my way here through my own hard work and dedication. I encourage all students to apply themselves in the same way.”
“Frankly, I find it nothing short of ignorant and insulting,” said Emilia Keer ‘29, who dropped Statics last Wednesday. “In my opinion he should put his money where his snout is.”
When asked for further comment, Cornellius simply squeaked humorously and vanished into bushes near Olin. Rumors report he is slated to resurface this upcoming weekend, ever-committed to his mission of spreading positivity on campus.
