ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish.
Iran was chosen in accordance with both the long-standing American tradition of attacking a Middle Eastern country in order to “spread freedom” and its location near major geographic features currently unknown to the average American. Reports show the initiative is already working, as rising gas prices teach Americans about the world’s major waterways.
“Before gas was 6 dollars a gallon, I had no idea where the Strait of Hormuz was. Now I still don’t know, but at least I know it’s a river overflowing with oil or something. Now that it’s dried up, it costs more to drive anywhere,” average citizen Georgia Washington replied before getting into her gas guzzling F-150 and regretting her life choices. Other citizens had similar results—an astounding 80% of Americans now know it is in the middle of the east, narrowing down the strait’s location to less than half of the surface of the Earth.
According to the Trump Administration, 150% of Americans are now competent in world geography. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt last claimed that any Europeans mocking American’s geography knowledge were “objectively incorrect,” citing internal numbers and a general sense of national pride. President Trump was unable to string together more than a sentence, simply adding that “we are the absolute greatest”.
The Department of War has expressed no desire to stop their campaign, citing their love of “lives-long” learning.
