COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not. Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
WEST CAMPUS — Sororities have prepared to welcome a new class of young women who, by the end of Rush Week, will transformed into mystical, glitter-breathing fairy creatures. “This is all going to be worth it, we shall be perfected by Bid Day,” gushed Quinn Pepperdine ’19, as the next step in the metamorphosis, her…
LYNAH RINK – Joining together in laughter and enthused cheers, attendees at Cornell’s Saturday night hockey game expressed their delight when Harvard Defenseman Josh Hartley was impaled by a harpoon launched from the stands during the second period. Although Hartley returned to his feet and continued to play, the raucous Lynah Faithful sports fans would…
WEST CAMPUS – After two days and dozens of dull conversations with fraternity brothers, Kyle McDonald ‘19 sees his boring hometown on Long Island as a crippling liability that might keep him from getting into his dream frat. “I just feel like if I had a really cool thing to talk about when I introduce…
BETHESDA, MD — After his lottery victory this week, Cornell Freshman and recent Powerball Jackpot Winner Gregory Michaels reported that his parents are still complaining to him about tuition costs. With his winnings, Michaels was able to purchase his family a beautiful mansion in his hometown in Maryland, while his father continued to insist he…
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States. “We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent…
ITHACA — After looking into the prevalence of graffiti on the Cornell main campus, investigators from the Ithaca Police Department are almost certain the vandal, who has been defacing school property with communist propaganda, is an asshole. “We had our suspicions that this hoodlum was an asshole back in November when they spray painted the…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…
