DAY HALL — Cornell Office of Financial Aid announced plans to both end need-blind admissions for international students and raise tuition last week after they had, for the second time, wired ten million dollars to a self-proclaimed Nigerian Prince over Western Union and needed to make up the lost capital quickly. “We will begin admitting…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
BRADFIELD HALL—The Cornell Meteorology department announced this morning the development of a new, original comment about the weather, stemming from a 2-year long study. “Everyone knows the usual, inane comments about the weather we hear all the time. ‘Classic Ithaca, it’s raining again,’ and ‘Holy shit, it’s so cold,’” described Earth and Atmospheric Sciences professor…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — Slope Day Programming Board announced yesterday over Facebook that Walk the Moon would perform only covers of songs by the late rapper 2Pac for this year’s Slope Day concert. “We sent out a survey last semester” said a spokesperson for SDPB, “and some number of students wanted another rapper, but some…
UPSON HALL – Despite the Cornell Unmanned Air Systems project team (CUAir)’s emphasis on fully autonomous flight, onlookers at Saturday’s test flight indicate that a pilot clearly sneaked into the nosecone of the student-built plane shortly preceding takeoff. Pausing slightly to adjust his aviation goggles and fiddle with the large joystick inside the 5-foot-long plane…
DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year. “We believe that it is not in our best interest at this…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money from overseeing a well-endowed institution,…
DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…
