ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca…
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re…
ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I…
ITHACA, NY- Josh Erikson ‘14, who was deciding between applying to medical school or continuing his 7-year streak working as a counselor at Brentwoods sleepaway, ultimately decided the latter would be “much more chill.” After being selected group leader last summer, Josh reportedly felt like he had a really strong future with the camp. “I…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
All studying will officially be cancelled as of 1:45pm on Monday, according to an email sent out to the Cornell community from the Office of the Provost: “We understand that Study Week and Finals are very important. But the accumulation of almost 2 inches of snow has put an unbearable burden on our maintenance staff….
ITHACA- Due to the recent success of Cornell Store’s new eatery, Café Jennie, the building’s dining area will be expanded into an entire suburban-mall-style food court next semester. The installment will include a variety of worldly cuisine including a Panda Express, Arby’s, Cinnabon, Sbarro, and another Arby’s. “No one really ever came to the Cornell…
After evaluating the many lucrative opportunities available to AEM majors, Dyson School freshman Jessica Stern decided it was time to let Goldman Sachs know she was ready to intern over the summer at the Wall Street conglomerate. While Goldman has a strict policy against allowing inexperienced freshmen to intern for them, Jessica believes the skills…
ITHACA, NY- Crossing between the statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D White, on a date with Tami Carr ’15 Saturday evening, Louis Owens 16’ was surprised to see the two statues stand up, stroll towards one another, and shake hands in the middle of the arts quad. “This is ridiculous” Owens reportedly stated with a…
ITHACA, NY-The 11:00am rush at the Trillium food court is a scene well known to the student body, rife with eager students clamoring to fit a meal into their busy schedules. But this Tuesday, simple impatience unraveled into environmental catastrophe, when Duncan McMahon ’15 maliciously and intentionally threw his compostable spoon into the recycling bin with the rest…
