URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students. “You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite…
HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.” Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett…
Say, that’s a pretty nice immune system you’ve got there, isn’t it? It’d be a shame if… well if something happened to it. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Look, I’m just saying that these things break all the time. People get sick is all. People get really, really sick. And you don’t want…
DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.” Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the exciting news of the reopening of Rulloff’s, new owner Gregar Brous announced today that the Collegetown establishment would promptly close again on Thursday. “We already have a lot on our plate with Collegetown Bagels and Agava. You didn’t really think we were bringing back Rulloff’s forever, did you?” said Brous, while…
COLLEGETOWN — The Eddy Street Gate released a statement saying that it, too, has no idea how it got there. The gate, originally erected in 1896, was supposed to be an entrance to Cornell’s main campus, but by some unknown mechanism is sitting in the back alley behind Cascadilla Hall. “I don’t belong here,” said…
ROCKEFELLER HALL — Students and faculty alike were shocked to discover that Randall J. Thompson, Professor of Applied and Engineering Physics, is in fact two twelve-year-old boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a top hat and trench-coat. Thompson had served on faculty in the College of Engineering since 2012, but after he was revealed…
SCHURMAN HALL- Early investigative reports are hopeful that researchers at the vet school are working with some really cool snakes. “Our hopes are high that they might have some rattlesnakes or even a boa constrictor,” explained lead investigator Nick Dansby ’16, who conceded that although they wouldn’t be as cool, even a smaller garter snake…
TEAGLE HALL — Cornell Junior Evan Moore was diagnosed earlier this week to have athlete’s foot, specifically that of Craig Jones, a Senior forward for the Big Red Men’s Basketball team. How Moore acquired the foot is unknown, but CUPD estimates that was originally stolen from Jones’ Collegetown apartment early Monday morning. The foot appeared…
ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great to be back on campus!”…
