By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts. No cause for alarm, stranger! If you don’t start any trouble we…
DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules. “I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while…
ITHACA- Yesterday, rumors of the bigoted and homophobic underpinnings of the Cornell male community were made nauseatingly clear when multiple self-labeled “allies” publicly refused to make out with me in this dumpster right here. Cornell, a supposed “safe place” for homosexual, bisexual, and non-identifying youth and a beacon of tolerance and diversity, has faced a…
COLLEGETOWN- In order to keep up in the competitive Collegetown bar scene, Ruloff’s has followed the path of many of its rivals Monday by closing forever. “It does seem like the thing to do if you’re a C-Town bar these days,” said senior Rich Beckham in front of the former night life hot spot. “All…
ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends. “I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so”…
ITHACA, NY – Incoming freshman and international student Boris Katyaldev confirmed today that he was incredibly excited for the unique opportunity to attend an American university and get absolutely plastered while there. “All of my family back home encouraged me to look to America to go to college, and now that I’m actually here, I…
LOW RISE 7- Reports are indicating that freshman Kendra McKnight, who recently took up residence in a Low Rise 7 triple, is completely unaware that her two roommates, Diana Mathews and Bridget Gold, requested to live with one another. Mathews and Gold were surprised to learn that McKnight had been assigned to their room as…
FORT LAUDERDALE- Mere hours after returning home from dropping their son Keith off for his freshman year, parents Michelle and David Anderson had finished converting Keith’s cherished childhood bedroom into a home gym, complete with treadmill, elliptical machine, and bench press. “Well, he’s not using it,” said Mr. Anderson while throwing out a box of…
ITHACA- A report that administrators are describing as “shocking” and “seemingly impossible” has revealed that Cornell’s Class of 2018 includes no individuals from the state of New Jersey. “That can’t be right. Check them all again,” demanded Kyle Downey, admissions representative for the mid-Atlantic region, while pacing rapidly inside a boisterous admissions office filled with…
JAMESON — In a massive stroke of luck, freshman Gavin Johnson met 23 new best friends at the first Fourth-Floor Jameson Hall meeting. “Every single one of the residents shares a large number of interests with me, like being a freshman, being new to Ithaca, and living in Jameson,” Johnson explained. “These are the key…
