ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus. “I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library…
ITHACA- Bratslavian student Bohuslav Grergonsk is reportedly very excited to spend his first American Halloween at Cornell. Bohuslav told CU Nooz that he planned to “make good costume of the Breaking Bad or Miley Montanas” in order to share his love of American culture with his fellow classmates. Bohuslav was also hopeful to “do treating…
ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers. This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire…
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time,…
ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered…
Beginning in Spring 2014, Cornell Library will be installing bouncers to allow entry into the entrances to both the third floor of Mann Library and the basement of Olin Library. Some students praised these new changes: “These are much needed improvements,” remarked Human Ecology Junior Heather Feign. “My friends and I love to go to…
This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and…
