USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment. “It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned…
LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed. “While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their…
DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23. Whether it’s…
STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities. “It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is a couple weeks, so anyone could…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak. “I heard on twitter that the Chinese…
Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of…
COLLEGETOWN—Students were shocked to discover this week that it takes 3 months to get a table at “Group Therapy Thursday” at local watering hole Hideaway. The weekly drink special is popular with Cornell students looking to unwind from the stress and anxiety of school. It came as a painful surprise this Thursday when Cornellians, very…
Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…
