Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…
BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of…
CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…
NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…
BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio. Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had happened, immediately calling her as…
