Understaffed TSA Really Digging Deep To Meet Groping Quota

JFK AIRPORT—Throughout the record-long government shutdown, air travelers have endured widespread flight delays and cancellations as airports across the country grapple with staffing shortages. Even so, thousands of TSA agents have worked tirelessly over the past month—without pay—to meet the Department of Homeland Security’s unrelenting groping quota. “It seemed inevitable that the shutdown was going…

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Flipped Classroom Professor Not Sure What’s Going On, Asks If You Have Any Idea

ROCKEFELLER HALL—Cornell University prides itself on its vigorous commitment to the art of teaching and falsifying RateMyProfessor reviews, a dedication no less visible than in its insistence to let Professor Henry Fiske teach PHYS 2215 as a flipped classroom. Some students aren’t pleased by the teaching model, and much less pleased with Fiske himself.  “He…

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Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer

HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…

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Birder Aboard Doomed Plane Gleefully Identifies Species of Goose Flying Into Engine

UNITED FLIGHT 4390—Ornithology enthusiast Sam Harriman ‘27 got a real treat Thursday as his flight to Newark encountered a large flock of geese. The gaggle crossed the airplane’s path shortly after takeoff from Ithaca Tompkins International Airport. Harriman, an active member of the Cornell Birding Club, eagerly grabbed his binoculars and peered out the window….

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“Beep Boop Beep,” Sentient Robot Only Speaks Robot

PHILLIPS HALL—As artificial intelligence advances at breakneck pace, the race to create a truly sentient digital being, capable of thinking, working, and irreversibly blurring the line between man and machine, has rapidly approached its conclusion. Surprising everyone, a group of Cornell engineers has managed to create the first fully sentient automaton, which they call Robot…

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