After sending out dozens of applications over the past month, Christina Walkerman ’16 is currently realizing that her cumulative GPA may not be high enough to grant her admission to a top-tier afterlife. “I’ve done the community service, internships, and got a great score on the MCAT, but it’s my grades that I’m concerned about,”…
EAST AVENUE — Worn-out after showing dozens of people around campus all day, tour guide Arthur Chase ’18 was exhausted, and just decided to make his last group of the day walk backwards instead. “Hey, everybody, my legs are killing me, so I’m just going to have you all turn around and we’ll start the…
BECKER HALL — The monster under the bed has expressed concern for Ryan Levine ’18, who has gotten almost no sleep in the past week due to mounting problem sets and extracurricular obligations. Every night for the past few months, the monster has attempted to spook Levine, but his recently disturbed sleep schedule has the…
EDDY STREET— Already three weeks into her last fall semester at Cornell, Samantha Derraugh ’16 only just acknowledged that she will not be able to give off the appearance of having her shit together for much longer. The senior ILR major explained her trite daily routine does not allow any time to sort out her…
JAMESON HALL — For almost a full month, Jared Lake, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences, has been waiting impatiently for any reason at all allowing him to punch his roommate in the teeth without being reprimanded. “One wrong move. He just needs to make one wrong move and I’ll have carte…
HO PLAZA — Senior Justine Mangold was seen walking around Ho Plaza with a handheld whiteboard and expensive HD camera, eagerly looking for clubs that might need them in order to engage with the student community. “I thought somebody out here would want to use my 10.2 Mega pixel Nikon D3000 to effectively capture the…
COLLEGE AVENUE — According to a drunken report recently released by Adam Maxwell ’18, this pizza is fucking amazing. The report was released after Maxwell participated in several hours of partying, where he theorized that a meat lovers, pineapple, and red onion slice of pizza would be “fucking dope right now.” “This shit is incredible,”…
BAKER LAB — At today’s first lecture of CHEM 2140, an outdated syllabus officially revealed that this year’s course takes place once again during Fall semester 2012. Professor Janice Stocking was proud to acknowledge that her syllabus transcends time, that the year of Tim Tebow and the Mayan Apocalypse was expressly selected for this offering…
COLLEGETOWN – With the new school year beginning, seniors across the Cornell campus have been described as being “fully prepared” and “excited” for the final few fun months of their life. “Wow, the past three years have gone by in a flash. But now I’m ready to have a great senior year, maybe take a…
Fall semester is starting soon! Here’s what you can expect coming to college for the very first day: You will meet a lot of happy, well-adjusted people, but don’t worry! Over time you will learn to see through the ruse. Moving into your dorm will be a struggle, so give up and move back home….
