THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.” When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the lacrosse team had recently tested…
RALEIGH, NC – After four semesters at Cornell, sophomore Rodney Phillip ’23 has at last attained the perfect balance between his academics and personal life by leaving the school altogether and taking a leave of absence. “It definitely took a few semesters of trial and error to find the best equilibrium,” explained Phillip, while sipping…
COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…
DAY HALL—In an unusually sunny email, Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi applauded the Cornell community, stating that in monday’s surveillance testing results, there were a total of 36 new cases, but -132 positive cases in the official NYS threshold count. “Today, I am proud to say that the active Cornell coronavirus…
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…
COLLEGETOWN, ITHACA — Following the elimination of in-person fraternity events due to the pandemic, local fraternity Kappa Alpha Beta will begin transitioning their fall semester hazing plan to online. “It’d be a real shame for the pledges to miss out all the brotherly bonding, like being waterboarded. You know what they say, friends who are…
COLLEGETOWN TERRACE—Since March of 2020, the Coronavirus pandemic has ravaged the social lives of me and my peers. Now that we are finally back on campus for the Fall 2020 semester, I want to put forward safety guidelines that I expect everyone in the Cornell community to follow. Namely, no gathering should be larger than…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses…
