Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom
Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom
Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen
Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread
Fall down the stairs when you try to walk down them after not moving for five days straight
Take Hotel Administration 4300: Introduction to Wines entirely sober
Streak from the shower to your bedroom
Enroll in BIOEE 1540: Introductory Oceanography as a joke, then fall in love with Bruce Monger and attend every class, then realize there will be no more in-person lectures and drop the class
Test out the musical calibration of your walls by throwing random shit at them
Eat takeout sushi with your parents and pretend to yourself that you are doing a sake bomb
Reluctantly try the shitty store brand ice cream that was left on the supermarket shelf
Break out the ol’ bunk beds and climb to the top bunk to watch a lecture
Listen to the muffled music coming from your sister’s room and try to guess what song she’s playing
Check if CTB can deliver to your house, even though you live approx. 2K miles away
Pre-enroll for classes you’re excited to take; switch all of them to S/U by the extended deadline
Attend your zoom lecture in heels… just heels
Look out your bedroom window to see the two stars visible through light pollution
Drink like it’s Slope Day in March
Stick your hand inside a large bag of chips
Whip a frisbee as hard as you can at your Macbook Pro
Leave your bottle of Bacardi in the ground and return next fall to find it blossomed into a beautiful Bacardi tree
Observe the golden hour when f.lux kicks in
Skype in with your MacBook
Catfish your professor
Bomb an online prelim
Realize you can just Google every answer on your next one
Miss Hotelie Prom four years after you skipped your high school’s
Be glad knowing your social distancing from Happy Dave keeps him safe
Take your temperature 3 times in 2 days because your parents are paranoid
Get heartburn from sitting and eating junk food in your room all day
Spend a summer in Ithaca because you can’t go home
Host a Shabbat dinner for your confused family
Trip on psychedelics; imagine you’re following a dragon around your neighborhood
Walk out of your house and go straight to your nationally-mandated ration distribution site
Count how many penises end up in Zoom backgrounds in your online lectures
Attempt a YouTube-inspired “glam emerald forest faerie <3” makeup look, take a few selfies, think about how you wasted 4 hours of your life to look like Shrek, remove your makeup and go back to bed like the purposeless person you are
Realize how much you love your parents, and how much they love you
Quickly realize how much you hate them actually
Go on a wine stay
Take a walk outside onto a suspension bridge and promptly turn around when you see someone coughing
See how many times you can sleep through the entire day before your parents start saying stuff
Buy a ton of books from amazon and tell yourself you’re going to read them in quarantine; read none of them
Get a parking ticket; cough your way out of it
Use your Ithaca is Gorges T-shirt to make an impromptu face mask
Learn the latest TikTok song as society breaks down and people starting killing each other over toilet paper
Attend your parents hanging of your sweet drawing on the fridge: Mommy’s little artist!
Realize that you never have to do a walk of shame if you don’t leave your house or make physical contact with anyone indefinitely
Make dinner for your parents without breathing into the food
Get wasted in your parents’ house and have them remind you how much of waste of space you are that’ll amount to nothing
Take a selfie with Martha Pollack in Summer 2024, the official date of Class of 2020’s Commencement
Play a game of paintball in your local high school without telling anyone
Watch a bootleg recording of Hamilton on XHamster
Take your laptop into your backyard for your zoom lecture; immediately regret your decision because of the glare and the bees. So many bees.
Start your freshman year pre-med; die a victim of a preventable ailment
Surf the internet for photos of lakes
Ransack your fridge for slices of American cheese and orange slices at midnight, and eat them on your bed thinking about all the fun you could be having on campus right now
Wait for 6 hours for your bread rations like a Soviet peasant
Do a sympathy livestream for your friend’s final end-of-semester acapella concert
Steal a “No Winter Maintenance” Sign; try to Store it With Ezrabox
Sit in a public space coughing, and watch the worried citizenry lather gallons of hand sanitizer
Write an insane comment on the Daily Sun Facebook page; be fueled by the ensuing argument with Nancy and Don, class of 1976
Leave Your House After Curfew
Explore the dark web
Request specific porn from r/tipofmypenis
Pretend you’re Harry Potter and mourn the death of both your parents
Explore your room’s collection of unwashed dishes, and cans of LaCroix; vow to clean it up eventually
Make the saddest fucking spaghetti of your life but put a little oregano on that bad boy and bada bing bada boom its a fancy italian restaurant.
Do a bunch of drugs now that school is no more
Eat random mushrooms from your backyard; tell your parents its for a class
Acquire Stockholm Syndrome From Your Parents
Take a unplanned depression nap for four hours because you have nothing else going on
Sign a change.org petition to get your brbs back
Have sex with your high school ex that took your virginity, and imagine AD White and Ezra Cornell bumping elbows back in Ithaca
Survive a global pandemic and make weekly TikTok updates
Pretend that your grandpa’s vitamin D pills are molly
Form a professional esport team and make your own youtube channel
Spend all your lectures figuring out the day’s crossword and be proud of your decisions because finals are now take-home; fail your take home exam
Throw a hail mary “You up?” 2am text to your T.A. before they leave campus indefinitely
Learn a useless hobby; impress no one in the Fall
Watch Jeopoardy! every night with your family; listen to their passive-aggressive remarks about how you should be beating them because you go to an Ivy
Visit normie websites like Facebook
Sing along to the music you’re listening to
Try a sip of the water from your dad’s aquarium
Wii Bowling with the homies
Spam every listserv about your next club meeting that will take place in 6-24 months
Drive your car 10 hours to get home with all your worldly belongings packed in the backseat and trunk
Eat a “celebratory” steak dinner with sides of asparagus and rolls at home because your parents are “so thrilled to have you back”
Finally learn how to fucking cook your own food you goddamn adult
Give up and order wings
Get banned from Balch Hall because undergraduates are banned from campus buildings
Heckle your grandma for saying she wants to go outside
Take a shower without locking the door
Get lost in a Wikipedia rabbit hole until 4am
Sing to yourself in the shower without accompaniment
Blast the AC in your bedroom and dump buckets of water on your floor; skate around your homemade ice rink
Make it onto your sibling’s Snapchat story
Struggle to obtain adequate research materials for your projects because all the libraries and archives are shut down
Let your balls hang out during a Zoom class
Eat a snack your parents made; cry out of a second story window.
Realize that even though everything sucks right now, at least you probably won’t bump into your freshman floormates ever again
Go to a house party as a senior; convince yourself you’re not a viral vector
Get lost in your house
Get negged by your parents who refuse to buy you beer
Watch a non-pirated movie
Eat your guinea pig named Mongo because your family has run out of food
Watch old Coachella performances on YouTube
Say the reason you’re not working out is you don’t want to “weaken my immune system”
See how creative you can get with different ways to cook eggs
Take a long bath
Subsequently drown in your bathtub because Cornell cancelled your required swim test
Tailgate Outside Your Local COVID-19 Testing Center
Watch project runway reruns
Host a virus in your body for 2-5 days without symptoms
Blast Rasputin by Boney M for the entirety of lecture and refuse to mute yourself
Get guilt tripped into spending time with your family
Have WebMD tell you you’re pregnant even though you haven’t seen anyone outside of your family for months
Give your RA the last bit of the alcohol you have to get rid of before leaving
Make a chalking on your sidewalk and stunt on the little kids in your neighborhood
Get on the only bus line your city is running while on lockdown
Watch Bill Nye mansplain epidemiology on his shitty Netflix show for 30 minutes
See how long you can go without doing laundry until your bitch mom does it for you
Go on a road trip to Canada, get quarantined immediately after crossing the border
Try to order pizza from a normal phone but all restaurants have been ordered shut by the federal government so no one picks up
Order a sex toy with your parents’ credit card
Find the biggest hill in your neighborhood; imagine you’re at Slope Day
But still plan on going to Slope Day 2021
Get a GCal invite to a secret society
Visit any store in ithaca, realize it’s significantly lacking in essential survival supplies, then just die
Lose a friend because you just fail to stay in touch
Find out your $2.36 of BRBs won’t be refunded, attempt to storm Day Hall, get stopped by CUPD and just give up
Walk aimlessly around your house while FaceTiming
Visit the CDC website every 5 minutes as if something is going to get better
Bang your head against your wall for one hour basically the same as yamatai but accessible from home
Go to law.cornell.edu and piss on your laptop
Listen to a talk about the “dangers of alcohol” from your parents; go back into your sedative bliss anyway
Hook up with a family member and see them every day afterwards
Hope ya like a big ol can of Folgers
See how many people you can get into your lecture before zoom crashes
Rush a minecraft server
Text dirty messages to a tinder rando because you’re living with your parents and it’s not like you can have sex anymore
Create a pointless change.org petition
Spam GroupMe to get strangers to sign your pointless change.org petition
Have your pointless change.org petition inevitably fail because it’s a pointless change.org petition
Watch ILR students turn into capitalists to save themselves
Put on a three act puppet show rendition of Hello Dolly for your parents and watch them quickly regret having another kid
Actually call the CIT help desk because you desperately need help and your dad’s limited experience with Hotmail ain’t gonna cut it
Sleep through all your zoom lectures; narrowly fail your S/U major requirements as a result
Hit the slopes at home and do some blow since nothing matters
Loudly chew a bagel in your bathrobe
Cheer on your friends as they perform a quarantine Camshow
Sign up for a dozen streaming services you’ll never use
Listen to classmates make terrible Zoom-related puns, eventually join in because, hey, when in Zoom, do as the Zoomers do right?
Zoom call from your Apple computer
Remove everything from your apartment and hastily put it in a storage unit
Ask for an extension on your term paper, email your professor “nevermind!” after classes get cancelled for 3 weeks
Ask for an extension on the semester
Set a colorful Zoom Avatar
Depression nap for 3 days
Tell a professor what you really think of his/her ass
Attend any virtual club meeting; apologize for all the background noise of your stupid brother playing his stupid games stupidly
Inspect element in every subpage of the Cornell website
