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Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…

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OP-ED: Let’s Get Rid of the College of Engineering

Nooz Staff7 years ago03 mins

I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we should just get rid of…

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Mitch McConnell Desperately Trying to Fill Sotomayor’s Vacant Seat Before She Returns From Cornell

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING—Following Sonia Sotomayor’s absence from the Supreme Court to speak at Cornell, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been frantically attempting to push through a new judicial confirmation before the Associate Justice returns on Friday. “The American people elected this President and this Congress to appoint conservatives to every Supreme Court vacancy,…

OP-ED: I Should’ve Checked My Friend Wasn’t Conservative Before Making Her Register to Vote

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — With the midterm elections fast approaching, I took it upon myself, as an informed citizen and registered voter, to encourage my friends to register as well. Unfortunately, my well-intentioned plan to increase youth turnout this November backfired when I accidentally convinced my friend Janice to register without realizing she was actually…

Goldman Sachs Resume Sorting Algorithm Totally into Hiking Too

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

198.58.106.214—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking. The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade and is reportedly happy to…

OP-ED: Lindsay and I Went to Wegmans Together, So We’re Definitely Getting Married

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

Yesterday, Lindsay and I went grocery shopping at Wegmans together, so clearly we are in an incredibly serious relationship. When I first met her, I had no idea we would end up being soulmates. We were doing childish things like kissing in private, talking about things that weren’t us, and living independent lives. But now,…

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Sickly, Depressing Vegetation Lets Returning Student Know She’s Almost Back to Cornell After Break

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t have any leaves.” said Pewter,…

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Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time. “I’m so excited to tell them about…

Ithaca City Officials Hoping Next Weekend’s Onionfest as Successful as Applefest

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

ITHACA COMMONS—Following this weekend’s tremendously successful Applefest, city officials are looking forward to similar turnout for next weekend’s onion-themed festivities. Concessions will include “onion cider, onion mac and cheese, onion sauce, onion donuts, and sweet, sweet onion pies!” according to Brandon Wiseman, chairperson of the New York State Onion Association. The association stepped up to…

Ezra Cornell Statue Found Dead in Arts Quad

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

ARTS QUAD—On Wednesday morning, September 26th, the statue of the university’s founder and namesake, Ezra Cornell, was found unconscious after a cardiac arrest. He was reported dead at 5:57am. Mikaela Kolb ‘19 was the first to discover Ezra Cornell’s statue. “I was walking through the Arts Quad when I noticed a figure in the distance….

FWS On “Socioeconomic Impacts Of 19th Century French Colonialism” Surprisingly Not As Fun As FWS On “Watching Movies With Joyous Whimsy”

“If you love something, set it free,” Student Deletes App Just Downloaded for Free Donut

OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

Brain Break! Reading Contains Graph Full of Important Information

Report: Vitamin D Supplements Doing Little to Hinder Bleak, Hopeless Future

Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

OP-ED: Let’s Get Rid of the College of Engineering

Mitch McConnell Desperately Trying to Fill Sotomayor’s Vacant Seat Before She Returns From Cornell

OP-ED: I Should’ve Checked My Friend Wasn’t Conservative Before Making Her Register to Vote

Goldman Sachs Resume Sorting Algorithm Totally into Hiking Too

OP-ED: Lindsay and I Went to Wegmans Together, So We’re Definitely Getting Married

Sickly, Depressing Vegetation Lets Returning Student Know She’s Almost Back to Cornell After Break

Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

Ithaca City Officials Hoping Next Weekend’s Onionfest as Successful as Applefest

Ezra Cornell Statue Found Dead in Arts Quad