(Insert Funny Title about Cornell Crime Alert System Here)
BARTON HALL – (Insert body of article about Cornell Crime Alert System) (Quote from Kathy Zoner goes here) (Optional: Insert student reaction)
Uncategorized
Read More
OP-ED: I Totally Murdered That Prelim
There are a lot of rumors surrounding the events taken place on the night of April 18th. Many of these rumors, in fact, suggest my involvement in said incident. I’ve been guarded and dodgey in my responses to inquiry about that evening. Some see my reservedness as a sign that I may have not been…
Cornell Announces Harriet Tubman to be Featured on the Big Red Buck
DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
Guy Skateboarding Down Ho Plaza “The Shit”
HO PLAZA—At 11:03am this morning, sophomore Chad Murray was seen skating down Ho Plaza like a total boss, just absolutely rippin’ it. Several sources also thought that Murray was “doing ollies like it was nothing,” and “laying down the law for all [you] young hopefuls out there” who also wanted to “kill the game,” but…
Sack of Shit TA Cancels Office Hours for So-Called “Family Emergency”
BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her to finish my problem set…
Health Officials to Administer Tetanus Shots To Those Entering Uris Hall
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
Administration Demolishes Low Rises for Pre-frosh Visits
LOW RISES – In what has been widely regarded as a violation of students’ rights, the Cornell administration has decided to demolish the Low Rise dorms in anticipation of Cornell Days this weekend to improve first-impressions prospective students have of North Campus. “We just want to make sure visitors get the best possible experience and…
RA Paints Jewish Residents’ Doors with Lamb’s Blood for Passover
MEWS HALL — Signaling the Angel of Death to avoid the Jewish residents on the second floor of Mews Hall while delivering the 10th plague, Angela Davenport ‘18 smeared lamb’s blood on the door of each Jewish floormate. “As an RA, it’s my job to look out for the people on my floor, which is…
Climate Change Denier Kind of Enjoying Springfest Anyways
This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability. HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel…
Ambitious Junior Limits Self to One Existential Crisis Per Day
COLLEGETOWN COURT — Taking on a task that can only be described as sheer ambition, junior Psychology major Christine Kilbourne plans on limiting herself to no more than one existential crisis per day. “I spend a lot of time worrying about my future, and I realized that my panic attacks waste a good portion of…