IVES HALL — Materializing in the third row of the lecture hall without the professor even noticing, ILR student and real-life ninja Brian Eriksson ’18 managed to sneak undetected into class twenty minutes late. “I didn’t even see him coming into the room, but he definitely wasn’t there for the first half of the lecture….
CORNELL POLICE STATION — This past Sunday, Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner sent out a campus-wide email warning both students and faculty of Cornell of the inevitable end that is in store for all mortals. In the communique entitled “Time Waits For No One, Death Always Awaits as the Eternal Doorman, Phishing Alert,” Zoner warned…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year. “Well Margaret just got a…
ITHACA – Earlier today, at around 2 PM, the Cornell Police distributed an email notifying the campus community of an altercation between a Cornellian and his “non-Cornellian friend,” and several “Asian subjects” near Myron Taylor Hall. The Cornellian victim was found substantially injured at the scene when police arrived. “In light of recent events, we…
BARTON HALL – (Insert body of article about Cornell Crime Alert System) (Quote from Kathy Zoner goes here) (Optional: Insert student reaction)
There are a lot of rumors surrounding the events taken place on the night of April 18th. Many of these rumors, in fact, suggest my involvement in said incident. I’ve been guarded and dodgey in my responses to inquiry about that evening. Some see my reservedness as a sign that I may have not been…
DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
HO PLAZA—At 11:03am this morning, sophomore Chad Murray was seen skating down Ho Plaza like a total boss, just absolutely rippin’ it. Several sources also thought that Murray was “doing ollies like it was nothing,” and “laying down the law for all [you] young hopefuls out there” who also wanted to “kill the game,” but…
BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her to finish my problem set…
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
