Breathing a large sigh of relief, the Cornell community was glad to hear the Cornell Republicans’ votes will not count in the 2016 election after club endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. “It was touch and go for the past week, and we were sure this announcement was going to endorse Trump, but it’s so much…
OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…
Formal sorority recruitment provides freshmen girls with the opportunity to find the house that fits them best. Girls visit every sorority and their choices narrow down as the week goes on through a combination of their selections and those of the sorority sisters. This guide will help maximize your preparation for the week ahead. Choosing…
DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the…
CINCINNATI, OHIO— Cornell Parents Robert and Sarah were infuriated earlier today upon learning that their son, Joseph Plotnick ‘20, takes thorough notes in class without even glancing at his $870 iPhone 7 Plus, instead wastefully leaving it in his coat pocket during lecture. “We did not spend our hard-earned money for you to just ignore…
WARREN HALL — After having recently gone through a tough breakup, AEM major and recent bachelor Kenneth Archer has stated that all he is looking for in life is someone special to network with. “I don’t deal well with being lonely, and not having a partner in life that I can share business connections with…
CENTRAL – In a recent press conference, Ithacan wind patterns announced a recently launched initiative to blow snow directly into your face. Having made clear the great effort required to accomplish such a feat, the wind told campus officials that it would stop at nothing to ensure that all students get to experience the sting…
RHODES HALL – With increasing likelihood that she will bomb her upcoming prelim, Shari Miller ’19, who has a perfectly clear, helpful, and approachable TA in Math 1110, is out of excuses for her inability to comprehend the material. “The problem is I simply can understand everything my TA says during discussion. It’s infuriating,” said…
OUTSIDE DAY HALL – After zipping up his jacket all the way to his chin, putting on a second pair of socks, and donning a fluffy winter hat, reports indicate that spring transfer Kyle Ortiz ’20 is already cold. “Brrr, it’s cold here! Certainly different from the University of Miami,” said Ortiz, seemingly unaware of…
DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…
