ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers. This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire…
HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to be on the last Thursday…
COMSTOCK HALL—Biology Major Jay Kottlier ‘26 was left awestruck in his BIOG 1500 laboratory meeting this week following his successful utilization of a pipette. Upon witnessing the device move a small quantity of liquid from one container to another, Kottlier reported being filled with an immense certainty that mankind would soon bring about its own…
ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings. “It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de…
STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…
DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and…
DAY HALL — Cornell celebrated the rousing success of their plan to distract students angry about the new Health Fee by raising tuition again. “We asked ourselves, how can we get all these angry students to forget about the health fee? Then we realized — maybe they will forget about the fact that we are…
PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…
