For the past two months, I’ve been asking out my crush, only to be disappointed when she says that she has a prelim later that evening and every day for the rest of the week as well. I guess I can’t blame her for studying so diligently with her 240-credit schedule and all, but boy…
BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue. “It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with everyone dressed up so spiffy…
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added that with four years of…
ARTS QUAD – Classes have officially begun, which means getting settled into routines, staving off mounting exhaustion, and spotting familiar faces around campus. For Elizabeth Valenciano ‘26, however, the start of classes would also bring about an uncomfortable surprise. Valenciano and several of her friends were spotted leaving Goldwin Smith Hall when they were approached…
A.D. WHITE HOUSE — As the final moments of the housing lottery came to a close, President Skorton acknowledged his ultimate failure at securing a room on campus for the upcoming academic year. “I had hoped to block with my friend Beth Garrett because she had the best time-slot,” Skorton sighed. “But she totally ditched…
BARTON HALL – (Insert body of article about Cornell Crime Alert System) (Quote from Kathy Zoner goes here) (Optional: Insert student reaction)
If you travel to Mexico, don’t forget to drink the water. Or if you travel anywhere. Or if you don’t travel at all. Water is essential no matter where you are. To avoid the pain of a nasty sunburn, remember to regularly use a liberal amount of Tequila. Apply directly to skin. To relax on…
Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
