ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
DUFFIELD HALL—Following a historic donation from David A. Duffield ’62, MBA ’64, the College of Engineering has edited the text of its iconic “This Is What A Cornell Engineer Looks Like” to instead read “This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like.” The change, the College of Engineering says, will recognize Duffield for his enormous…
ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken. “When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at…
RAND HALL – The University Construction Crew is having trouble beginning construction on the broken back wall, as they usually do not deal with such small scale projects and are hesitant to start a project that does not involve two years of development and planning. “We’re pretty confused by this one, to be honest. We’ve…
COLLEGETOWN- Worried sick that her sweet son and his new friends wouldn’t be allowed into any Halloween ragers, Pam Byrnes drove to Cornell this morning, bringing with her the sluttiest costume she could find and a printed WikiHow article titled “How to Act at College Parties.” “I told Mom we don’t need her help,” Robby…
ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that included the word “elucidate” three…
COLLEGETOWN — The Ithaca Mob has forced the closure of yet another one of Collegetown’s celebrated restaurants, Stella’s Cafe. “Mob bosses have been very active recently in trying to shut down anywhere fun or tasteful in the Ithaca area,” said Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner. “It’s just a shame that Stella’s was next on their…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
