JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers. “Planning Slope Day on a…
CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” said Dr. Ernst, “so I’ve…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Introduction to American Government professor Don Goodin has magnanimously introduced a policy of no required books, instead providing thousands of pages of online reading that must be printed. The generosity has not gone unnoticed by students. “Professor Goodin really gets that some students just can’t afford all the books,” said Nanette Warner ‘22….
Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs? Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set…
HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision. Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Friday, sophomore Anya Eddy was forced to sleep outside after she forgot her phone in her room and was unable to complete the newly required two step log-in to enter her dorm, McFaddin Hall. “At first I was kind of annoyed,” Eddy recalled, “but after a few hours of screaming at the windows…
MANN LIBRARY— University staff may have noticed that students have recently become more fatigued, irritable, and emotionally volatile. A new research investigation provides an answer while putting a new spin on the term big red. “It’s a phenomenon called study period, where the student body sheds their outlining to expel final papers and exams, leading…
RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…
WARREN HALL—After attending a seminar on “sticking around in the business world” at a networking event, Dyson freshman Cooper Waldingham promptly Super Glued himself to the nearest important-looking person he could find and broke into an ill-rehearsed and pun-laden elevator pitch. “I guess we’re stuck with each other now, huh?” said a winking Waldingham to…
