Finding parties in Collegetown without knowing anyone can be a challenge, and you may not even be able to get in once you find one! But with these helpful tips you’ll be living the college party life in no time: Come by 5:30 to ensure that the party is not yet at capacity. Use thermal…
ARTS QUAD—Signifying the return of spring to the Ithaca area, the season’s first flock of white frisbee players has recently taken up roost on the Arts Quad. “I love watching the first signs of Ithaca spring—the flowers start to poke up out of the ground, the days get a little longer, and just this morning…
DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the…
CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even talked in my algo lecture…
COLLEGETOWN- Bubble tea specialty drink chain Kung Fu Tea recently opened a franchise at 143 Dryden Road in Collegetown in hopes of cashing in on the hoards of bubble tea fans on the south side of Dryden between College Avenue and Eddy Street. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve been craving bubble tea…
MCGRAW HALL- Rumors of the one true ally echoed across the Arts quad on Monday morning following a notable session of FGSS 2040: History of Feminism. Among the sea of dull and uninteresting women, Brandon Sikes ’24 shined. “It was so impressive,” exclaimed Becca Jensen ’23. “He nodded right through that whole lecture. All through…
MORRILL HALL—In the wake of research showing Cornell’s endowment was derived from government gifts of stolen Native land, campus administration has made Cornell the world’s first university to deliver a land acknowledgement before completing purchases of stolen Native land from the federal government.“We Cornellians take pride in our status as a land-grant university,” stated Vice…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—After airballing an easy shot at one of the marble benches, Junior Varsity Zeus Patron Luka D’Angelo ‘28 was once again relegated to the bench. “Fuck, dude,” grumbled the frustrated freshman, parting a curtain of his bustling competitors to stalk off the court. Having reached his familiar haunt—a particularly uncomfortable wooden bench in…
NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the exciting news of the reopening of Rulloff’s, new owner Gregar Brous announced today that the Collegetown establishment would promptly close again on Thursday. “We already have a lot on our plate with Collegetown Bagels and Agava. You didn’t really think we were bringing back Rulloff’s forever, did you?” said Brous, while…
