ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…
Dear Cornell University, From the outset of this campaign, my goal was simple: to add something impressive-sounding to my resume. Today, I am proud to say that with my election to the position of Undesignated At-Large Student Assembly Representative, that dream has been achieved. This was a tremendous victory for the 1,852 supporters who voted…
COLLEGETOWN, ITHACA — Following the elimination of in-person fraternity events due to the pandemic, local fraternity Kappa Alpha Beta will begin transitioning their fall semester hazing plan to online. “It’d be a real shame for the pledges to miss out all the brotherly bonding, like being waterboarded. You know what they say, friends who are…
WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my…
HOLLISTER HALL—Last Wednesday, CUPD discovered the letters stolen from the Cornell University sign on the third floor of Hollister Hall after being tipped off by an anonymous Engineering student who was distressed by the strange geometric symbols. “We figured literacy would be a good industry skill to work on before the upperclassmen join the workforce,”…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the…
ITHACA, NY — Steven Terry, ‘17 , placed on academic probation this spring, reportedly found a real-life application for Calculus when he realized that he needed to pass the course in order to enjoy all the benefits conferred by a university diploma. The struggling Freshman was studying in the stacks when he frustratedly asked those…
Listen, Cornell, these past eight years have been great. I mean, like, really great. But I just feel like we’re going in circles. Right now I’m looking for someone who can help me grow, and grow with me, someone like…oh, I don’t know, an official United States museum network. It’s the same thing every year,…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…
