From the desk of Elizabeth Garrett: When I woke up Saturday morning, the last thing I was expecting to see was our beautiful A.D. White statue vandalized with the word “divest”. Look, this is an issue that we’ve been working through for a long time, and stunts like this wouldn’t usually affect any relevant decisions….
COLLEGETOWN—After exiting the first Zoom class of her day, April Woodward ‘22 surprised her roommates by changing into her pajamas and announcing that she was going to have a bit of a lie-down. “It’s not something I do every day,” she said as she turned on her 10-hour “afternoon naps” Spotify playlist, “but it’s nice…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. “This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel…
ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
DONLON HALL — California freshman Julia Style got back from class earlier this snowy afternoon to find the phrase “Prepare Yourself” scrawled in blood on the door to her room. The incident is one of many in a long line of omens sent to those from traditionally warm hometowns, warning them of the coming Ithaca…
BAKER LAB—Chemistry students were overcome by sheer terror Monday morning as they entered Baker 200, which had been transformed into a haunted house by changing absolutely nothing. Stepping through the foreboding double doors, students were confronted by the same sights, sounds, and scents as those of any ordinary chem lecture, but only in the context…
In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…
MEWS- To put the finishing touches on his new dorm room, freshman David Cobb was found today placing an adorable picture of his future ex-girlfriend on his desk. “It’s right on my desk! Now I get to look at your cute face every day when I wake up,” said Cobb while on the phone with…
ITHACA- Due to the recent success of Cornell Store’s new eatery, Café Jennie, the building’s dining area will be expanded into an entire suburban-mall-style food court next semester. The installment will include a variety of worldly cuisine including a Panda Express, Arby’s, Cinnabon, Sbarro, and another Arby’s. “No one really ever came to the Cornell…
When people think of Cornell’s most distinctive features, they usually come up with three things: the gorges, former president Hunter R. Rawlings III, and the swim test. The last is particularly renowned, with many alumni citing it as among their most formative college experiences. But a dark truth hides beneath the pool’s chlorinated surface. For…
