NORTH CAMPUS–A Friendsgiving dinner turned sour when Jason Pecker ‘26 launched an unprompted rant about the snow engulfing campus. What initially seemed like mere apprehension for the worsening weather turned out to be far more confusing as the rant quickly took an awkward twist. “Who cares how deep the snow is? Everything that you could…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…
ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld. “I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
Upon entering my 11:20 class, BIOMS 2210: Introduction to Infectious Disease, I was immediately met with a chilling sensation. Something was wrong. Though I had arrived only two minutes before the lecture was to begin, the typically crowded lecture hall remained largely empty. I scanned the seats for my friends but found none. Deep in…
KLARMAN HALL—As a result of their loss in the quarterfinals, the middle-aged members of the Cornell men’s hockey team have begun attending GOVT1322: Introductory Governance lectures once again. “I was super intimidated the first day of school when I walked into a bunch of grown men sitting in the back row,” said Grace Cortez ‘26….
Why, you should be absolutely chuffed to bits! Your sneaky link has given you a new steamy confirmation of their desires for you in the form of a SMS message: “G-893496 is your Google verification code.” You know it is them. It just has to be them. They have tried to obscure their identity from…
ITHACA- Instead of partaking in the usual brunch with estranged family and friends, Cornell students decided to take a different approach to celebrating Mother’s Day. As a vast majority of students are away from home and their mothers, they took it upon themselves to celebrate the special occasion as any good children would. And today,…
WEST CAMPUS— Just one hour before the class is set to begin for the year, the Canvas page for Advanced Economics of Trade remains unviewable on Canvas, sending anxious students into a spiral of paranoia and panic over potential first-class expectations. “Nothing at all? Not even a syllabus?” asked James Allen ‘24. “I have absolutely…
