COLLEGETOWN – Saying that they did not want to seem intrusive, onlookers gave brief pause when a drunk Sarah Campbell stumbled and fell late last Saturday night. “She looks fine,” said junior Lawrence Farmer. “I think it would be inappropriate for me to see if she’s okay. Like, it’s already embarrassing enough for her. I’d…
HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said…
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re…
DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…
DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree. “Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills…
ITHACA, NY- In an effort to remain one of the country’s most welcoming, friendly, and accommodating universities, Cornell, behind the leadership of its President David Skorton, has decided to rename it’s mascot, “Big Red,” to be more colorblind friendly. Skorton said today in a press conference, “we want all Cornellians to be able to have…
MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…
