CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday. “On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to his extensive experience in organizing social events as a member of a fraternity, Winston Jepson ’19 has been trusted to plan an America-themed family mixer this July 4th. “People wearing red, white, and blue enter no questions asked, but if you’re lame then at least bring alcohol for the pregame,” Jepson’s memo…
LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect. Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee…
LIBE SLOPE—Now free to lie down in the grass watching the sunset after an hour of playing frisbee with friends, graduating senior Adam Schumacher ‘17 finally has time to enjoy his undergraduate years at Cornell. “I’d been completely bogged down with homework, clubs and tests since I was a freshman, but after finishing my last…
HO PLAZA— After saying an emotional final goodbye to her graduating friend two days ago, Mindy Randall ’18 was reportedly caught off guard this morning when she locked eyes with the girl she thought she’d never see again on Ho Plaza. “I couldn’t decide whether to say hi, or goodbye again, or just squint and…
SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards. “I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty…
‘Twas the night before Slope Day, and all through Cornell, All the students were partying, and drinking like hell At two, the students, they went on their way, To get into bed, and prepare for Slope Day The campus, all buzzing, too giddy to snooze From Becker to Sheldon, and even in Mews At seven,…
BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes. “Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways…
TOWER ROAD—Now available for sluggishly pedalling uphill with six cars following behind, Cornell Big Red Bikes offers students a new opportunity to screw up traffic. “Cornell is huge, so it’s a relief to finally be able to bike across campus with no regard for drivers or pedestrians,” said campus bicyclist Troy Laputa as he weaved…
I’m only saying it because they’re taking over RPCC for a whole day, but I think it makes sense. Like, what a dumb thing to be so obsessed with—some TV show about superheroes or British people or whatever? And to like all that nerd stuff so much that they have to have a convention all…
