MCGRAW HALL — Scientists have recently revealed that the GOVT 3082 lecture has a 15 percent chance of participation this semester, indicating an 85 percent chance that no one will ever speak up in a class. The professor of this 8:40AM lecture said he expected this statistic, but he’s hopeful that the recent variation in…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Only a few weeks into the school year, the mirror of Rose suite 23 is already tired of hearing the positive affirmations that new suite resident and esteemed Cornell Daily Sun journalist recites every morning. The mirror reports being particularly annoyed by phrases such as, “I am a unique, talented writer,” “we will…
CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even talked in my algo lecture…
BARNES HALL — Preparing for his re-entry into the unemployment pool this summer, President Rawlings solicited a member of career services to critique his résumé. “Now that I’ll be looking for a job again, I thought it would be best for someone to make sure everything is up to date and correctly formatted,” said President…
CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test. “By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she…
DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…
ARTS QUAD – Classes have officially begun, which means getting settled into routines, staving off mounting exhaustion, and spotting familiar faces around campus. For Elizabeth Valenciano ‘26, however, the start of classes would also bring about an uncomfortable surprise. Valenciano and several of her friends were spotted leaving Goldwin Smith Hall when they were approached…
ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
