DUFFIELD HALL—Feeling tricked after spending her first few weeks of consulting club membership as a Krispy-Kreme saleswoman instead of practicing insider trading tactics, Emma Nichols ‘27 formulated a strategy to reach her sales quota early. She developed this donut-distributing plan based on advice from her mentor at CCCBD360, who sold out of their stale boxes…
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! CU Nooz is proud to announce the 2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! 64 undergraduate majors will battle it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
KLARMAN HALL — Shortly following class dismissal on Wednesday, a chemistry worksheet that really should have been put in a binder was unceremoniously closed between the screen and keyboard of a Macbook Pro. Sources reported the laptop shutting in a “weirdly satisfying” way around the document to form a “cute little sandwich.” They also noted…
JANSEN’S MARKET—With the tenderness of a loving mother to her newborn child, Geoffrey Wu ‘25 retrieved a small wool blanket from his bag at noon today and gently wrapped it around the Southwest Chipotle Chicken Ranch Sub he had just picked up from Jansen’s Market. “I was craving a sub, so I went to Jansen’s,”…
BUCKINGHAM HALL—After a trip to Spirit Halloween last Tuesday, one student believed they had the perfect topical political costume: the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Unfortunately, after two days of excitedly telling friends about their head-of-state costume, they discovered that their Halloween muse had quit her job. “Oh sure, what is my…
Saying this at a Dyson School-sponsored career fair isn’t how I wanted this to go down, but I have to just say it: I’m rejecting your post-graduation offer in order to be an entry-level associate at JP Morgan. It’s important for you to know that it’s not you or your organizational structure, it’s my carefully…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
By Ezra Cornell Hey everybody, it’s me Ezra. Look, I realize I’ve been dead for a while now, and it’s not really my place to comment on the events happening in 2017, but I wanted to briefly return to explain something about my motto for the university. When I said “Any Person, Any Study,” I…
URIS HALL—After years of silence, biology student Jada Stanley ‘27 has come forward with shocking allegations about her lab’s research. “I just needed a few samples of the Epstein-Barr virus for a test I was running,” said Stanley. “When I put in my request, my bosses started acting strange. They wouldn’t give them to me….
